Looking a Gift Norse in the Mouth

Here is that letter from Hermes I promised you. May the little charmer never change:

-Dionysus

"Dear Immortal Friends,

I write to you filled with nearly as much pleasure as a god can know. No, I am not in love, except, as always, with myself, but rather what I am feeling is the joyous joy of joyful revenge.

The professed reason for my travels, my freewheeling playboy lifestyle, was in truth a small fib. As some of you hinted, I was on my centennial search for my most favored possession, lost 700 years ago and searched out once every hundred years since.

My shoes! My lovely winged shoes. Although they have been greatly embellished in stories to give all sorts of powers and magical nonsense, they are still my most famous attribute, you know. You see them on flower vans all the time. You know the ones. And they are the only sandals in human history that make fancy shoes of gold look manly.

So when I tell you I found them, you can imagine how high my hopes were raised. Abandoned in a filthy smuggler's warehouse in Turkey, hardly noticed among so much pilfered riches. My contact's description was so precise, I knew it was they. So off I rushed to reclaim, steal back, or if it came down to it, buy my lovely shoes.

I arrived to a most crushing scene. Dirty smugglers and broken artifacts strewn about and nothing stolen intact save the only important piece in the bunch! I coaxed out a description of the perpetrator and I'm sure you can guess: that trickster Loki!

So I turned worn leather heel and headed straight for the rattiest rat hole bar in Norway, and after being directed to three or four deemed by the patrons even rattier, there he was, sprawled feet up on the table like some sort of savage, smirking at me. I beat him soundly about his drunken ears and how he laughed. He said I'd never get them back, he gifted them to someone who would never part with such beauty and value. He slipped up and mentioned she liked them almost as much as her necklace so I knew. He had the gall to say not only did I have girl feet, but they looked better on her! So I cut off his ear. It is enclosed if you wish to return it to him.

After a year or so of careful planning at my seaside residence in France (revenge is such hard business, you know) off I set to where I knew my shoes were being held hostage: Freyja's manor outside Prague.

She greeted me with divine grace, though smugly showing me MY shoes on her ugly pale feet. She immediately informed me her new gift was very dear to her and she would not give them up without a proper war being fought over them. No worries, Athena, though a tempting route, it is one I chose not to take.

I told her we had more important things to discuss, that in fact I had come to give her dreadful warning. I learned the arts of fortune telling and divination from the Thriae, I told her, and in scrying for my shoes, the bones told me… and here I recreated the bones-throwing, and indeed, they told the same story, that the very next day Freyja would hear terrible news about losing all that she holds dear. Now I stressed for her and with gentle suggestion, she had the idea (all by herself of course) to kick me out as a horrible bearer of bad tiding and lock up the house and not answer the phone and therefore hear nothing. I told her she was very wise, and to prove I had no ill will for her to take this gift.

I revealed it with a flourish and she squealed with delight as I presented her a lovely songbird I have named Uskglass, one so talented it could recite all her favorite rock and roll tunes. She took it gleefully inside with her and slammed the door in my face.

The next morning the bird, nearly as clever as I, launched into a series of Freyja's favorite tunes, and she was so moved by his rendition of "Freebird" that she did indeed just that, wanting to hug the poor creature. Once loosed my brilliant Myna bird pecked the goddess at her feet until through her shrieks she kicked them off and he fetched them to me straight away as I awaited outside.

I sent him back to her straight away, and he told her, in perfect imitation of my voice, which I had spent months teaching him, that the prophecy was after all true: she did lose that closest to her-closest to her skin, that is. Adding that I hope she would accept this, and at this point Uskglass like a good bird sticks out his little leg which holds a most stunning giant ruby ring, as an apology and as restitution.

It is hardly her fault I am so disarming and so few can resist my charms, and thus all was forgiven and in truth Freyja was now cross with Loki for causing all this trouble. I begged her one favor, to invite him to visit, as I have trained the little bird to recognize his smirking face and to once that person is seen follow him around endlessly, chatting in my voice about all subjects and topics as I am capable of doing for, as you know, years on end without stopping. I dare say the bird, Uskglass, picked it up so well it can make up its own as it runs out of things I have taught it, and I bet the stars he takes as much delight as I in torturing that wretch Loki.

So there it is my undying friends, the record of my triumph over my trickster counterpart, my evil twin one might say, and the return of my most recognizable possession. I am flying home (on a plane, you devilish smartasses) after a brief stopover in France to wrap up my affairs there. Fake another death. Work, work work. See you soon!

-Hermes

Enclosure"

Dated June 22, 2007

Update From the Road part 1

Athena blogged using her aircard. but she's not addicted to the internet, honest:

From Middle America in an Automobile

"I am no stranger to long road trips, of course, or long trips in general. I've been the long way 'round to the west coast by boat, long ago. But nothing pleases me more than a long solo road trip in an automobile. This counts as solo, as Epimetheus's two parts are happily at rest in the trunk. Ah, cars! The automobile is a miracle of human ingenuity, and damn fun. It represents autonomy and freedom. Everyone wants to know that if they had the guts, they could just get in that car and drive away into a new life.

I, of course, do everything backwards, and am instead driving to an old life. I should be in Seattle on Thursday, and I have a feeling Hera will want to see the situation at Tartarus enough to wrench herself away from corporate life.

-Athena"

I got the longest letter from Hermes today. Good stuff. I will post it tomorrow unless the bar gets overrun by hipsters.

-Dionysus

Hindsight is 20/20 - part 3

The gang got back a bit ago and filled me in. I've cashed out the tills so I can write this up properly. It's been a while since we needed a true log of events. It has been a peaceful while since the end of the war.

Aphro and the new priestess get back first. She's named Cybil and it seems the Oracle was taking over without permission - woke out of her trance being dangled by her neck off some scaffolding in the middle of the Atlantic Yards. Epimetheus was apologetic about the ugly situation, yet unwilling to give up his leverage. Shouting to Theeny that he was going to break the mortal.

Thena, as is her way, tried to talk him down, and it mostly worked. As is so often with us (and with mortals), it has come full circle again, back to his big turning point. He's stuck on rerun, repeating the same mistake over and over again. Re-living his big fight with his brother Prometheus. He is just taking back the fire Prometheus gave mankind, figuratively and literally, and is trying so hard to reach a different outcome. Athena tells him this will not end well, and poor Epi breaks. Way back in 1666, Prometheus said those exact words. In hindsight, the brother is always right, and things will never end well. Just like in 1871 in Chicago and at the great fire of London as well. Don't think Athena had known about London. Oops.

Epi is begging Thena. Begging her to not make him go back to Tartarus. Not awake. Let him take a nap. He puts Cybil down, backs away. And Xipe was waiting there, with his knives.

Athena gives what I'm sure was an inspirational speech. In short, she reminds Epi this one didn't end so badly as last time. He smiles. She nods to Xipe who tosses her a knife and in one not-so-fluid motion she hacks off his head.

Aphro, Xipe and Heph stare uncomfortably at Thena until Heph feels the need to point out the obvious. "Crap" says Athena, and kneels to reattach Epi's head long enough to ask him.

"How in Hades did you paralyze an entire town?"

"I didn't. It must've been one of the others." She raises an eyebrow... "I didn't bust out. We all got out. I thought you knew."

Frustrated, she pulls his head back off his neck and rolls it away from her.



The gang piles back in here just before closing. The band is packing up as I pour the drinks that loosen lips to get a full picture. We all agree, Athena needs to take Epimetheus, in two pieces, back up to Tartarus to store him for his naptime and to find out what has happened up there at the penitentiary of the gods.

And we need to figure out what the Oracle's message really means. Theeny will stop by the Seattle crew on her way up to Alaska and Tartarus to get their take on this new, strangely exciting disaster.

This poor bartender needs to rest well (though not as well as Epi) and will report back after I recover.

~Dionysus

Hindsight is 20/20 - part 2

Just as Thena wrapped up the big plan of action, Xipe returned. He says Epimetheus wants to talk. At the Atlantic Yards. He has the priestess. Athena, Hephestus, Aphrodite have gone off with Xipe just now.

Times like this I envy the immortality. Being a half-mortal really leaves me out of the thick of the action.

Hindsight is 20/20 part 1

Quick update: so at 11 Athena called the meeting to order. Well, 11:20, Xipe was late. His people only invented the recording of time... regardless, Thena was just into the main swing of the rousing oration about duty to ourselves and the protection of our people, when Xipe busted in, stammering and pointing to the kitchen. The priestess was just dragged through, he says. The one who moved the tripod. The one who posted the blogs.

By Epimetheus.

What the hades? He's been in Tartarus 200 years now.

Xipe dumped that on us and turned heel to track them.

And then the true oratory began. Goddesses love ya, Theeny, but you can talk the ear off a cob of corn. But there is a plan now. I stopped listening entirely, but I believe there will be an armament, and flanks, and... hold on.

uh... guys? take 2

Look at the date on that news story. I didn't post that.

Very funny, the Oracle's priestess is back to warn us about medical oddities 4,000 miles away... if this is a joke, I don't get it.

~Dionysus

Quiet Alaska Town Motionless

Jun 25, 6:57 PM EDT

Town Stricken by Mass Paralysis

By JAMES REED
Associated Press Writer



GLENNALLEN, Alaska (AP) -- Copper Center, nearly a ghost town already, has since Saturday seen even less movement. The entire population has been stricken with varying degrees of unexplained paralysis.

Polio and Botulism have been ruled out but mass hysteria has not, skeptical doctors say. If it is a hoax, it is a widespread one, as not a single resident of the tiny town (population: 362) appears unaffected. The severity varies from mild facial paralysis to complete paralysis of all muscles including those regulating the heart and breathing. At least 4 people are reported dead of unexplained causes.

Extremely isolated, 310 miles from civilization in the form of Anchorage, Copper City is now even more isolated as it is quarantined from unauthorized and civilian visitors. Concerned family members who have gathered here in nearby Glennallen await news which is little and far between. Many are demanding government explanation, convinced the phenomenon must be related to the town's meager coal and petroleum industry. No connection has yet been determined.

Individuals with less severe paralysis appear to be improving, according to doctors. Treatment teams are focused on those literally stuck, unable to breathe on their own and no clear cure on the horizon.

-----

Comedy night success

Comedy night was a rousing success as usual, despite some early heckling from the back. Glaring at you, Thena, yes, you.

The only downward curve was this one guy going on and on with no punchline about things, and his butt, and I don't even want to remember. That is the price you pay for open mic, and it usually balances out and is worth it, as it was in this case. Although, sometimes I think I should go back to drunken-revelry Dionysus. At least I could have selective memory that way. Also, I miss the Maenads.

Athena brought her little dog-pig-monster-thing, and he was the toast of the bar. And loved every second of it. Everyone likes to be treated like a god.

~Dionysus

uh... guys?

Left my laptop on in the corner last night and at closing I found the below posted. I've been trying to make sense of it and fail, so I put it to you.

Note: the (Pythia's) tripod was dragged up to the laptop.

~Dionysus

A Greeting

A crack Growing
splinter crinkle split
freedom.

Full stop there.
Try to breathe, try.
Hah.

We broke Out
out we broke, now
we do the breaking.

You'll see.